At that time in my life, the excuses just kept appearing. I was getting so good at it. *Chuckles*. What was I to do? Seriously, I mean, I am a single mom of three living on a disability check. How is anyone ever supposed to get anywhere with that tiny amount of money. To top it off, I ate to console myself and had gotten myself up to a whopping 355 lbs. I would never have admitted it at the time but my weight was going to be the death of me if nothing else got me first. When did the anger really start? What happened to take me to this moment in time when anger became the only emotion that I decided Feel?
I was working at a call center back in 2004. I would be sitting most of the day at my desk taking calls, when I started to feel tremors in my hands and legs. Then after a little while they would go completely numb. I didn’t let it worry me because I couldn’t be sick. I didn’t have time to be sick. I had three kids to support and an ex husband that wasn’t paying child support at the time. I let this happen and slide without seeing a doctor for about 5 months. I still had energy and wasn’t catching colds or anything so it’s all good, right? Wrong!
The last day that I worked there I looked down because I felt a burning sensation in my legs. My legs were so swollen that they were pretty much folding over the top of my shoes. Even though I was large my legs were probably double the size that they had previously been. I went to stand up and I could barely move my legs. I called my boss over and she insisted I go to the hospital. I was all of a sudden very concerned. Imagine that. In hind sight I wish I would have had been checked sooner.
None the less, there I was going to the Emergency room. Not working, not making money and not providing for my children. I wasn’t sure what to do. So I sat down at the desk to check myself in and filled the nurse in on what had been going on. She did the typical blood pressure check and her eyes almost popped out of her head. My blood pressure was EXTREMELY high! After a long wait in the waiting room, I finally got checked out. They had blood work done and the usual routine check. The doctor put me on blood pressure medication and said I should be fine.
I was under a huge amount of stress due to many different factors and a week later I saw my family doctor who decided it wasn’t a big deal. I told him that I wanted to find out why my legs were so swollen. He said they don’t look that swollen to me. This was a week later, so of course they don’t. Anyway, doctor gave me a letter stating that he felt I should be on a medical leave until this was sorted out. He gave me three months. So my boss had no choice but to agree to a three month leave of absence. I thought I was under stress before? Well that stress level just hit the roof. How was I going to live? So many questions flooded my mind. I was so afraid. I talked to my mom and some friends and found out ways I could be subsidized. It took 2.5 months for that funding to reach my bank account. We made due thanks to the generosity of family, friends and the local food bank.
I had to move out of the house I was renting because I could no longer afford it. Thank God that I got accepted into government subsidized housing right away or we would have been on the street. After about a year, many doctors appointments and specialists inspections, I got a diagnosis. I have fibromyalgia. What the heck is that? After some internet research and conversations with family, I started to understand. I was devastated. I was working and enjoying my job. I felt like I had purpose again and bam. It’s all pulled out from underneath me. In the blink of an eye. It’s all gone.
At that moment is when I decided anger was going to be my only emotion. After all, dreams were obviously for other people who had more luck or were whatever it was that I wasn’t. There were no tears, nothing. Just anger. It was a kind of anger that even through a divorce I had never experienced. It turned me into a person that I sadly had come to be extremely comfortable with and had no reason to be any other way. I was quite happy in my misery because it was safe. Safe from dreaming up what would eventually be my next downfall. My mom was amazing for me during this period of time. She told me that God had a plan for me we just didn’t know what it was yet. I mocked! God? What God? I will never have anything. I am stuck on disability for the rest of my life. I will be fat forever and I just have to accept it. There is nothing anyone can do. My hands were tied.
I bought in to all of those thoughts because it was the easy way out. Even though it was the easy way out, it was incredibly hard to come to terms with. But still less of a struggle then trying to find a solution. I still deal with it to this very day. The fact that I am not able to function like most people. But I have definitely come a very long way. This began a 7 year period of my life that would build and prepare me for what the universe or God, had in store for me. I believe this is when I started to learn what it was like to push through for reasons other than myself.
When there is no fear, just anger. No courage, just hate. I lived for one reason and one reason only. For my children. Ok, ok. I guess I was still capable of love but even they will tell you that I was the handful.
I never would have thought that the loss of my job would have any positive outcome. Do you think I am learning strength in the midst of strife yet? Well it’s a start. Today it makes me smile and laugh at how it all happened. Let me tell you this. The universe does not mess around. Just hours after the catalyst to all of this happens, sitting in the emergency room of all places, the universe threw me merciless into