For many years after that I sat at that piano playing, practicing, and writing my own material. I always wanted to play professionally but never thought it would happen to me. No, it’s all just pipe dreams. That kind of stuff happens to and for other people, not me. Not some 355 lb woman sitting at a piano with no future. The only reason I was still on the planet was because I had three children that I loved more than anything. Or so I thought. I was so depressed at the time. I had always battled with depression. My weight didn’t help the situation which was a habitual issue and my health on top of that just added fuel to the fire. I went to see a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me as being bi-polar. After that time I got on medication and my life has steadily improved. Actually at an alarming rate in my opinion. When I think that just 4 years ago, I started on this journey and here I am now? It amazes me. But then again in hindsight the universe had plans for me. It’s really amazing to me that in order to become depressed you have to be a very self focused person. Have you ever thought of that?
For me when I was depressed it was always about, me, I, mine. Anything that put me at the center of the universe. I didn’t come out of this way of thinking for many many years. I still struggle with it today. As we all know, no one is perfect. Perfection is something we might strive to accomplish, but is never attainable. The reason for that I believe is because our idea of perfection changes and grows as we change and grow. Interesting, isn’t it?
Through that depression, I still played piano, practiced relentlessly and wrote my own music. I started to see that I had things to be thankful for. Like my children. I decided to start writing music and songs for those I was thankful for. I wrote a song for each one of my children. After doing that, I started writing music about love in general and then other things. I opened my heart and started writing about loss. How that affected me and many others. The problem with all of this is that, I was 355 lbs and way too embarrassed to be up on stage performing at that weight. The way I looked upset me a great deal. I had become a very hard minded person. But the piano and music softened me and I believe gave me hope. I thought, no one will ever hear my music. I sat at my piano and cried because I was doing all of this and the world would never hear it. I didn’t’ have the confidence to carry it out.
I sat down that day and decided to make a list of how to change so that I would have the confidence. The list was lengthily, but it had to be done. There were no longer any other options. Guess what was at the top of the list? I have to see a doctor about weight loss surgery again. Let me explain the again part of that sentence.
I had been on a waiting list for surgery for 4 years. First my doc put me on a list in a different city because the weight list here was so long, but while I was waiting they changed the rules of which jurisdiction they could do the surgery in. Because I was from a different city, I was no longer in the correct jurisdiction.
So my doctor sent me to a different city. This one needed me there once a week and living on a disability check there is no way that I could afford the travel. So that didn’t work. There was a Bariatric surgeon in my city but the waiting list was forever long. This is why we tried different options. Low and behold it turned out that all of this waiting, was nonsense.
My doc and I decided to put me on the list in my own city. Yes I still had to wait for two years but hey, whats the difference. I truly believed that this would never happen for me. I knew even if I had lost the weight on my own that I would never have the courage to keep it off because it served me a purpose. It kept people at a distance so I couldn’t be hurt. Even though I was killing myself in the process.
OK, lets recap. Stage 1, Lose job and possibility of working. Stage 2, Get her a piano. Well you guessed it. Here comes Stage 3. Are ya ready? I know I sure wasn’t.